Červenec 2014

My apologies to myself.

11. července 2014 v 21:12
Sorry, dear me. Sorry that I stuffed you with sugary junk products until my stomach is not easily cooperating. Sorry for the rotting decomposing stuffed junk in my intestines. Sorry that you have to feel bad about it now. Sorry, my head, that you have to experience dizziness right now just to feel depressed afterwards. Sorry that I want to get high on sugar to escape my emotions guiding me through life which I deny. Sorry for the need of experiencing a completely stuffed body in order to feel heavier and grounded, without further emotions. Sorry for not coping with my addiction and trying to self-medicate destroying this body that has been given to this only perspective. Sorry for not having the will or energy of belief that this could ever change.

Sorry for betraying myself. Sorry for doing exactly the opposite of what I am supposed to according to my intelligence. Sorry for not giving myself the love I need. Sorry for denying my needs and sorry for being scared giving my energy away even if it would mean improvement. Sorry for sabotaging myself. Sorry that whenever I realize that I am in a difficult situation I am not able to cope with anything anymore. Sorry for succumbing to my fears and for feeding my self-hate. Sorry for not feeling worthy of this life. Sorry for sobbing over nothing instead of taking action. Sorry for not having the strength and not feeling the support.
Sorry for twisting everything against me. Sorry for finding the faults in me and me only. Sorry for being kind to anyone else but me. Sorry for being hurt badly after I hurt people only a little but using me as a victim of their mood ventilation.

Sorry for hating my father and for feeling sorry for my mother. Sorry for hating them for the ignorance, for them not being able to show me love as I want it. Sorry for denying I am their child, sorry that I had to get away from everybody instead of solving problems. Sorry for being sad because of not feeling loved by my own family. Sorry for isolating myself from everyone and thinking that nobody needs me in any way because I cause pain only. Sorry for leaving my previous boyfriends even when they loved me - I did not really love them and I was a hypocryte.

Now I have a boyfriend I really love and want to stay with until the very end but I am not ready to accept that he might love me like nothing else on this world (even if I need that dearly, like nothing else on this world) - I want to show my weaknesses just to see if he stays. But will I ever be satistied with him staying? No. I will not end my self-sabotage until something cracks. To prove myself that it is my destiny to crack all over again in deep pain because that's the only thing I deserve. I want to get fatter just for him not getting my perfect body. I am scared that he will love me more with a better body which I find artificial and short-lasting. What if one day I am ugly and aged. He is so athletic and so much better looking and much much much more positive and the list goes on.

Sorry that I can not see myself doing well. Sorry for getting back to where I was whenever a change seems to be ahead of me. Sorry for not allowing myself being happy.


I'm scared to get close but I hate being alone. I am scared that I am not worthy, that I am not enough, that I am less that other people. Even though I know I am not really less - I only don't belong in this world among these poeple I know because I have a completely different mindset than people around me have. Everybody only cares about themselves anyway. And I am not willing to help myself long-term, not even short-term. All I can do is numbing my body with loads of food. Binge eating disorder if you may.

Sorry for not seeing any purpose in life at all. Sorry for not being willing to get up and do something - not having the energy or motivation - the word I don't know the meaning of. Sorry for being ashamed of myself. The shame is thriving on my depression. Sorry for considering passing away as the only option to get away. Sorry for denying that sport or going outside is in my strength. I feel like I am not able to move with this fat unhealthy body loaded with junk. I am sick and tired of commercials and success-stories. I see this happiness as something so temporary that these people must be blind to think they achieved something in their lives. Daily struggle, that is everyone's destiny, especially mine.

Once I thought I was successful, everybody crushed my dreams and beliefs labeling me in the hospital as anorexic. Maybe I was, but that destroyed my belief in me, my beliefs in what is real or not and in healthy food (I hate these words). I fucking don't care anymore at all about anything. And that was long five years ago.

Sorry for feeling sorry about my current state whenever I see those perfect people.
Sorry for not being open to criticism - sorry for being deeply hurt everytime I need to experience the slightest form of criticism. Sorry for criticizing myself.

Sorry for not being able to figure out what to do with my life. Sorry for being afraid of not getting a job I don't hate myself doing. Sorry for not being motivated to study anymore and for being afraid to seek for a job. Sorry for hating getting up in the morning and succumbing to the system. Sorry for not giving any fucking thing to this "happy" numb and criticizing society.

I don't even wish for a better tomorrow because I don't feel worthy enough. I don't want to be better, I am stuck in my current state - which is being sorry for myself and everybody else. Nothing matters and nothing ever will.